Harry Potter and the Inquizitor Squad
by HappyHufflepuff-RebelRavenclaw
Summary: FORGET QUIDDITCH-Harry and his friends must compete against the Slytherin DANCE SQUAD. In a perilous story of action, romance, and sick beats, which house will win the ultimate dance challange? Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Inquizitor Crew!

Chapter 1

Draco Malfoy and his man friends, Vinny Crabbe and Gregtastic Goyle, as well as his manly woman friend, Milly Bulstrode, and his sexy gal pal, Pansy Parkinson, were McChillin in Slytherin dungeons. Draco said, "Let's go to McDonaaaaaallldddsss!"

"WOW, drac-sexy-o, that was like... gangsta!" Pansy proclaimed. "You know, if Vinny laid down a beat and you sang, I could use my milkshake to bring all the 7th years to the yard and we could be a hip hop group!"

"GOYLE LIKE." Goyle said. "GOYLE LIKE TO SMASH. GOYLE WANT TO SMASH SOME SICK BEATS."

Milly grunted in a manly fashion, and Vinny started beat boxing in a sicknasty manner. 

"It's official then," Draco cried, "WE SHALL GO TO MCDONALLLLLLLDDDS! and then we're going to get our dance on."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After supper at Hogwarts the next evening, Dumbledore stood up at his table at the front of the Great Hall and made an announcement: "Now that we are all well fed, I have an announcement to make. Some of our friends at Slytherin have suggested that instead of a typical Quidditch tournament this year, we branch out into more 'buck' sports. Thus, this year we will have a Dance-Off between the houses; whoever wins, gets a fabulous car! and some house points."

"He must be confunded!" Hermy Granger exclaimed from the Gryffindor table. "This is a violation of every single Hogwarts tradition! Plus, we should be attempting to learn more defensive skills instead, as Voldemort is coming to power quickly!"

"Well, well, Hermy-one, you sound a little chicken!" Draco called as he walked by. "But from what I've heard, Voldy has food poisionin up in heeah so the big man ain't be down for the struggle!"

"What does that even mean, Draco? We speak English in this country," Hermy replied.

"It means, Hermy, that if you wanted to come over to the bestest house, we may be able to share a romantic tango for a fabulous car! and some house points," Draco replied.

Ron tried to say something, but he choked on his food and fainted.

"Someone do the Heimlick maneuver!" Hermy cried. Harry jumped into action to save his man buddy, screaming, "Expelliarmus!" Ron's fork flew into the air.

"You are so dumb, you are really dumb, forreal," Draco sang behind them.

Hermy saved Ron's life with a handy muggle solution. "Hermy!" Harry said. "That's the best dance move I've ever seen!"

Gryffindor now had a new strategy!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The Gryffindors gathered in the common room to practice gettin' down. "Hermy and Ron did the most smashin dance moves in the Great Hall today!" Harry exclaimed to his buddies and pals alike.

"That was not a dance, idiot, that was a lifesaving maneuver intended to push the food lodged in Ron's windpipe out of his body!" Hermy Granger retorted. "I really should've chose Ravenclaw instead..." she grumbled.

"Oh, well, we need a good strategy, then. What type of dance are we going to do?" Harry asked. Soon after, Gryffindor after Gryffindor tried their hand at choosing a dance style. Parvati Patil exhibited some wonderful Bollywood. Fred and George Weasley tried their hand at lyrical ballet. Lavender Brown made an attempt at bellydancing. Needless to say, it was all terrible.

"OH NO WE SHALL NOT WIN THIS CAR or housepoints WHAT SHALL WE DOOOOO!" Harry screamed in agony. Suddenly the room went quiet as they all turned around to see Neville Longbottom break dancing to a sick techno song in the corner of the room with Dobby the House Elf.

"You guys are awesome!" everyone exclaimed at once. It was actually really creepy how all their voices said that at the same time exactly.

"Master Harry Potter, I want to get down with Master Neville Longbottom if it will make you happy, Oh if I even skip a single beat I will shove a hot poker up my-"

"Oh Dobby! Oh Neville! YOU HAVE SAVED US." Harry said.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen!" Hermy complained. "Didn't McGonagall teach us how to ballroom dance in our 4th year before the Yule Ball? Why don't we do that?"

"Hermy, THEN I taught you how to dance," McGonagall said as she entered through the portrait hole, "but NOW Imma teach you how to dougie."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was a few hours before the first dance off of the season-Slytherin vs. Gryffindor. All of the young wizzes were tailgating in the courtyard outside the greathall. Suddenly, from the crowd, decked out in hot shorts and saggin jeans alike came a street group of five dancers wearing silver and green loud and proud.

"WOW, who are those hunky dreamboats?" swooned Lavender.

"OH please, we see them every day. The skinny nerd is Draco, the muscle head is Crabbe, and the one with man boobs is Goyle," Hermy-one snapped back.

"You KNOW you want our bods, Hermy," Draco drawled.

"All I want is to hex you for hitting on my girlfriend," Ron said, draping himself over Hermy.

"Knock it off, Ron, Draco may be a pompous ass but gingers don't have souls," Hermy replied curtly.

"It doesn't matter how pompous I am. I wrote to my daddy, 'Daddio, wassup, will you send me a dance coach so we can get down fo shizzle? Love, Draco.' So you better watch out. My daddy hired the best krumper at the Ministry to get us shakin up in heeah."

"What dance coach do you have that could possibly top McGonagall?" Harry asked indignantly.

At that moment, an older lady strutted out of the Great Hall, her former curves now sagging to the ground, dressed in green short shorts with the Slytherin serpent printed on the bum, and shouted, "UMBRIDGE IN THE HOUSE AND READY TO HIT THE FLOO'"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Umbridge? The old bag is gonna dance?" Ron cried. But before anyone could respond, a thumpin musical theme drowned out everyone's voices.

"Welcome to 'Hogwarts thinks it can dance!' I'm your host, Lee Jordan!" Lee exclaimed, as he walked out wearing an "avant guarde" outfit that mainly consisted of scarlet and gold spandex. "Clearly I have a bias towards a certain team in the competition but I'm still allowed to announce because the supervisor in charge agrees with me!"

"Today's an exciting match between the rivals of the past millenium-literally-THE BESTEST TEAM EVER Gryffindor's DumBEATdor's Army vs. Slytherin's own Inquizitor Squad!" The crowd cheered and booed in turns. "First up, DumBEATdor's Army lays down some beatboy style!"

Dumbeatdor's Army made their way to the center of the Great Hall, wearing super skinny jeans, skater shoes and wife beaters in house colors. Today's lineup consisted of Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville and Dobby. As soon as Harry reached the center of the floor, he pulled his trucker hat backwards and cried, "5, 6, 7, 9, HIT IT HERMIONE!" Hermione, the "dj" sighed and pressed play on their dinky 90s casette player.

They were bad. And in the bad way, not the Michael Jackson way. Harry and Ron attempted to act street but mostly just flashed MS 13 gang signs and offended people. Neville and Dob-ster spun on their heads but collided. And then Ginny had a seizure. They were booed so badly, even by McGonagall, their tutor, that they were forced to exit the stage.

"Up next, Umbridge and the Inquizitor Squad!" Lee called out. The hall erupted in cheers. Pansy, Draco, Gregtastic, Vinny, and Milly made their way through the crowds to take the stage. Popping their prior made recording into the sound system, they started their routine.

It was amazing. Though the beatboxing was a little too white-boy, they were like the Black Eyed Peas meet Lil C meet Santa Claus in terms of awesomeness. Draco brought his sexy back in some buck krumping, Crabbe flexed his abs so powerfully he didn't even need to dance, Milly popped and locked it, and Goyle and Pansy both shook their milkshakes vigorously.

The crowds cried and cheered; Slytherin won, and Umbridge shook what her momma gave her in a victory dance. Gryffindor was crushed, but now they KNEW they could not underestimate their opponent; they MUST win 'Hogwarts thinks it can dance!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST! NOOOOOOOOO! I BEAT VOLDEMORT FIVE TIMES IN THE PAST 16 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I CAN'T WIN A DANCE CONTEST! ANGST ANGST ANGST!" Harry raged in the Gryffindor common room.

"I agree, mate. I bet that Malfoy prat is cheating," Ron agreed.

"Or, you know, you guys could just _suck lollipops,_" Hermy replied.

"Oi! Hermy-one, who's side are you on here? Are you in _love_ with Draco or something?" Ron asked, his ears reddening.

"Only in trashy fanfictions, Ron. And maybe you should practice your dancing instead of raging about it like a wild animal, Harry," she retorted.

"Oooooorrr, we could spy on them! Like in our second year!" Harry exclaimed.

"Count me out. I don't want to turn into a hairy cat-woman again," Hermy replied. "Besides, what good would spying on Slytherin do? You don't compete against them again; their next match is against Ravenclaw."

They rolled their eyes at her. "Fine then, come on Ginny. We need a replacement tolken girl to come spy with us," Harry said. Ginny squealed and started drooling as they scurried out of the portrait hole.

As they snuck through the corridors like sneaky ninjas, they happened upon Luna Lovegood, who had a large scarves tied around her head and body, who was running in circles. "Hey, Loony!" Ron called. "Wanna come spy on Slytherin with us?"

"Oh, hello there snorckacks! I knew my mummy costume would attract you!" she replied, her voice mumbled by the scarves.

"Loony, it's Harry and my posse!"

"Oh, I have a friend named Harry, Mr. Harry Snorkack! Let's go spy on Slytherin, we shall be good friends LOOK A BUTTERFLY!" she squealed, running into a wall. The crew picked her up and carried her towards the Slytherin dungeons, glad to have a dependable ally.

A/N-STILL TO COME: GINNY SHAKES MILK TO INTIMIDATE PANSY! PROFESSOR FLITWICK FLITS HIS WICK ON THE DANCE FLOOR! AND THE ULTIMATE BATTLE BETWEEN BUCK AND SUCK CONTINUES ON "HOGWARTS THINKS IT CAN DANCE!"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The Gryffindors and Ravenclaw crept through the hallways until they found the Slytherin dungeons. "Oh geez, we don't have the password! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry cried, way too loudly. Ginny collapsed in giggles on the floor.

"Well think, mate. What would the Slytherins choose for their password?" Ron asked.

"Haaarr harr hee har har PUPPIES!" Ginny squealed.

"That ain't be no password, n00b," the Slytherin portrait, the Do-rag Thug, said.

"I'm a jerk and possibly a dark wizard that is why i am in this house?" Harry attempted.

"You be HATIN! Don't hate the snake," Do-rag Thug replied.

"It's simple, nargle friends," Luna replied, "The password is: 'hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband, cause they rapin everybody in here.'"

"Word to yo motha," Do-rag Thug replied, opening to the Slytherin common room.

They found Gregtastic, Vinny, Milly, Pansy, and Draco hanging out on the floor in the common room, eating more Micky D's.

"SSSSSSSNAP! I like knew Gryffindor sucked big time, but they really raised the level for square loserness," Pansy spat. "And that Ginny girl who all the boys think she be a shawty? That chick aint know HOW to shake her milk like me."

"Not many billies get the bait like you, Pans," Draco said. "Especially Weasleys. I wouldn't snog ANY of them."

"They're all dudes, dude," Gregtastic replied. An awkward silence followed.

Umbridge burst in at the moment. "Umbridge ready to get down low in the dungeons! Squad, let's practice. The Ravenclaw match is coming soon and they sho' be harder than the squares from last week," she said.

The team put on some kicking beats as the Gryffindors watched in horror at their excellence. "Let's get out of here," Harry said, and the spies scurried off to report what they had seen.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Loony Lovegood MC Hammertimed back to Ravenclaw tower, perfectly peppy after watching Slytherin practice. When she got to the top the portrait, Nerdy Ned, asked her the smart-person question required to get into the tower: "What is the second derivative of f of x with respect to x if f of x equals of the natural logarithm of x?"

"Nargles! Broomsticks! 42! Harry Potter!" she responded.

"Correct! ...I think," said White n' Nerdy Ned. "It was either that or one over x, I can't remember. Oh well!" The portrait hole swung open to reveal all of the Ravenclaws clustered in the common room.

"I met some very nice nargles, my friends!" Luna cried. "They kidnapped me and took me to Slytherin and we watched them dance!"

"Pipe down, Loon! We're trying to watch the Star Wars Christmas special!" Michael Corner yelled.

"You can hang out with _me_, Luna. They're just jerks because they'd rather watch that stupid show than Star Trek Enterprise," Cho Chang said. Looking at the television, she saw Chewbaca walk into the frame and started crying.

"What's wrong?" Luna said. "Do you have Snorkian Crying Virus? I thought Hogwarts students were all immunized from that!"

"CHEWBACA HAS HAIR AND SO DID CEDRIC!" she sobbed. "AND R2D2 ROLLS AROUND ON WHEELS AND SO DOES HARRY... if he were disabled i guess"

"Now is not the time for crying, Chang, we have work to do!" Flitwick announced in his squeaky voice. He was wearing sweatpants, trainers, and a whole lot of bling bling. "Luna, I heard you infiltrated the enemy with the help of some nargles. What did you learn?"

"Well mostly my face was covered by a scarf to retain my mummy disguise so the nargles would like me. But I detected a lot of krumping using echolocation!"

"That's great! I have the perfect number for you all to bash those Slytherins. And even if they do crush you, remember who had the higest SAT scores. Now line up straight!"

"CEDRIC WAS STRAIGHT!" Cho began crying.

Flitwick sighed, put a CD in the giant boombox he perpetually carried on his shoulder, and pressed play.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

It was the morning of the big match between the Slytherin Inquizitor Squad and Ravenclawesome. The Great Hall was buzzing at breakfast as the Ravenclaws nommed their brain food and the Slytherins ate their Egg McMuffins. But the whole hall, despite the pre-match excitement came to an abrupt silence.

Ginny Weasley marched into the Great Hall with her Kanye glasses, cropped short Hogwarts robes, high heels, and a gallon of 2% milk with SO MUCH ATTITUDE the whole school shut up to watch what the Gryffindor fourth year would possibly do. She jumped up onto the faculty table at the head of the room, and turning around to wave at Dumbledore behind her, who was staring in shock, began to shake that gallon of milk vigorously. "This is for YOU Pansssy!" she squealed and giggled as she danced around on the table.

"You dumb***! That's not what shakin milk means in the hood!" Pansy screeched in response. A lot of the Slytherin shawties laughed at her.

Harry, however, heard none of it. As he saw Ginny's milk shake up on that faculty table, his jaw dropped, his heart beat faster, and he felt a strange feeling he had never felt before.

Hermione stared at him. "Harry?" she said, waving her hand in front of his eyes. He didn't respond. "Harry, what the heck is wrong with you? Do you seriously think that's sexy? After all these years of Ginny's loyal friendship and drooling about puppies and Quidditch and following you around and watching you sleep because Edward Cullen told her it was attractive, YOU are turned on by her SHAKING A GALLON OF MILK?"

When Harry still didn't respond, Ron said, "I think that's a yes, Hermy. For the record, I'd think YOU'RE sexy even if you were shaking orange juice."

She ignored him.

Dumbledore finally recovered from his shock. "Well, Ginny Weasley," he said, as she instantly finished her act, "you certainly exhibited the great courage and chivalry of a Gryffindor with your dance. Ten points to Gryffindor for incredible dairy-shaking-talents."

Everyone in the Great Hall groaned. "That be just the Homie D's default reaction to anything, yo. Givin them lion-lovahs house points!" Draco complained. But he was cut short, because it was finally time for his team to face the nerds of Ravenclawesome.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The courtyard cleared for the second dance off of the season. The Gryffindors stood on the side of Ravenclawesome as they entered the brawl. Led by a shirtless Flitwick rocking plenty of bling, Michael Corner, Luna Lovegood, Cho Chang, Padma Patil, and Moaning Myrtle danced out onto the floor. Unlike their stylishly street opponents, Ravenclawesome lacked in those sensibilities, and instead wore a strange combination of Star Trek uniforms, parachute pants, and bowties.

"Nerd herd incoming!" Pansy squealed.

"They be playin us. Look at those squares," Draco sneered. "You gonna cry like we killed you like the Brothah Vold killed yo' boyfriend, Cho? And we comin for you like a Basilik Myrtle!"

Cho and Myrtle started moaning, as Michael shouted back, "Yeah we'll you're goin down like a bunch of red shirts, right team?"

"Keep your cool, my nerd-izzles. Their name isn't even a portmanteau. They probably don't even know what the word portmanteau means," Flitwick reassured them.

"YEAH!" Harry shouted supportively. "Yeah and their head of house doesn't look as sexy shirtless as YOUR head of house does," he added really awkwardly, as Hermy shook her head.

"50 points from Gryffindor," Snape responded. "And that's not what your mother said."

The match began when Lee interrupted this spirited exchange, and began today's match on _Hogwarts Thinks it Can Dance._

Slytherin took the floor, with Goyle smashing sick beats and Drac-sexy-o rappin like a champ about his struggles in the hood, as well as his hope to save all the ghetto kids in Knockturn Alley with their supah fly dreams. Pansy meanwhile shook her milkshake, though she was quite shaken up by Ginny's earlier intimidation. Though their act was powerful, they were not perfect as last match. Nonetheless, the student body broke out in cheers at Draco's emotive rap and their killer beats.

Ravenclaw went next. Flitwick picked up the boombox so it was on his shoulder (like any legit hip hopper may, at least in his eyes) and began to blast his mixtape. The dulcet tones of Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" filled the room as the Ravenclaws began to get down low. They were actually shockingly good. Despite her rampant crying, there was a reason Harry had had a crush on Cho-she could REALLY pop it and lock it. Moaning Mytle specialized in hairography, flailing her ghostly pigtails around her head. Michael Corner worked it like Usher, and Luna, of course, dominated. Slytherin didn't know what had hit them. It was no surprise when Lee announced afterwards that Ravenclawesome had won.

"WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO A FABULOUS CAR, MY NERDIZZLES! and some house points," Flitwick triumphantly cried while rocking with his boombox. But the Gryffindors had something else in mind-with Slytherin knocked down in point standings, as long as Hufflepuff didn't come out of nowhere with an amazing routine, they had some chance of winning again-if they could learn how to break.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Gryffindor rejoiced in the common room at Slytherin's defeat. "WE'RE GONNA WIN THE FABULOUS CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR! and some house points," Harry cried later, as he sat with Hermy and Ron in his dorm room.

"Actually Ravenclaw's going to," Hermione corrected, "based off today."

"But this means Slytherin's down in the point standings! They are defeatable!"

"But Ravenclaw may not be! We all need to seriously practice if we want to have a chance at winning."

Ron sighed. "Hermy-one, as long as we have each other, we're winning EVERYTHING."

"Not a CAR, Ron," she corrected. "But I'm confused, what will an entire house of at least a hundred people do with a single car?" 

"AND some house points," Harry corrected. "But maybe she's right. We should start beatboy-ing. Where's Dobby?"

"Right here, Mister Harry Potter!" Dobby cried, suddenly popping out of Harry's underwear drawer, wearing a pair of boxers on his head.

"Dobby, how did we lose last match? You're so awesome, what did you do wrong?" Harry asked.

"DOBBY DID WRONG?" Dobby exclaimed in horror. "BAD DOBBY BAD DOBBY BAD DOBBY." Dobby jumped out the window.

"Dobby, noooooooo!" Harry said. He paused. "Hermy, do you think that if we used a resurrection stone or something, he could come back and dance for us?"

"How insensitive, Harry! We should go see if he is okay!" Hermy said, jumping out of the window after him.

Ron gazed out the window after her. "She's so sexy when she's obsessing over house elves. And squashed on a sidewalk oozing blood."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Hermione and Dobby laid in the Hospital Wing, on their way to recovery. Ron stood weeping tears of sorrow over Hermy's bedside, while Harry felt the need to do the same for Dobby so he wouldn't feel left out.

"So your name is Ron, right?" Hermy said. "For some reason, I can't seem to remember where I am, who I am, or who you are."

"You're at Hogwarts, the magical and fantastical school where you learn to unlock doors with words! You're Hermy-one Granger, the brightest door-unlocker-with-words of her age! And I'm Ron Weasley and I am a ginger. AND YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND I'M NOT EVEN LYING," he added panting in excitement.

"Okay, dear, I think I can release you now," Madame Pomphrey said to Hermione. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Other than having a goofy-looking boyfriend, yes," she replied. "And the fact that I can't remember my name again." 

"Okay then, have a great day! Take care of yourself!" Madame Pomphrey replied. "I have to catch up on Glee anyway."

Right as they were leaving the hospital wing, the two lovers ran into Draco Malfoy, rampantly shoving his happy meal in his mouth. "Well, look who up in heeah, da Weazel and Hermy," he sneered.

"Leave her alone, Draco, she just jumped out a window and lost her memory!" Ron replied.

"Oh, fo' sho'?" Draco replied. "Well, in that case, you're at Hogwarts, my personal spa, your name is Hermy Forizzle Gangsta Queen, and I'm Drac-sexy-o, and you're madly in love with me!"

"Okay, wait. The weird ginger I could buy being my boyfriend, but you? You're so... SHORT! And you have some, er, bats in the cave."

Infuriated, Draco replied, "Yeah, well, that freckled dude is actually a supah square who can't dance! And he farts in class!"

Ron's ears turned red. "Well HE'S a liar and a stinky Slytherin and is additcted to McDonald's, Hermy-one, don't listen to him!"

"Well da Weazel is a terrible dancer, like the rest of your stinky house!"

"YEAH WELL YOU, HERMY-ONE, ARE THE BESTEST BEATBOY DANCER OF ALL TIME SO THERE!"

Hermy was extremely confused by the exchange, but upon hearing that she was a sick dancer, kind of smiled. "Really? Quick, lay down some beats so I can check."

Draco shrugged and began a rap about how he wished she would be in his latest video or something, as Hermy-one surprisingly fulfilled Ron's foolish claim.

"Hermy, you're amazing!"

"Yeah, well," she replied, "I may have a stupid name, live in a personal spa/door unlocking school, have a weird looking boyfriend, and supposedly crush on booger-boy over there, but at least I can dance. Are you sure I'm good? Because I feel really stupid doing this for some reason..."

"OF COURSE LET'S GO!" Ron yelled, dragging her back to the common room. As long as she had amnesia, they had a fighting chance in the tournament with Hermy-one Granger, the most gifted beatboy of her age.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"As an Auror, technically I'm supposed to be guarding the school from dark wizards, dementors, werewolves, acromantulas, and various scary things," Nymphadora Tonks said to her 'Puffs, "but since Professor Sprout threw out a hip at an over-enthusiastic bingo game, Dumbledore gave me permission to neglect my duties and coach your dance squad. So I may be threatening your lives, but we shall bring honor (and swag) to the House of Helga Hufflepuff, which we haven't really had since we lost Cedric."

"May he rest in peace," the Hufflepuffs immediately chorused.

"So let's DANCE!" she exclaimed, immediately tripping over her own shoes, causing her to fall and throw her wand across the room, which stabbed Susan Bones in the eye, who then fell backwards into Justin Flinly-Fletch-Farter-Fsomething, causing a domino effect until everyone was on the ground in a beautiful spiral pattern. (Hufflepuffs really like patterned lines.)

"Maybe we should start with something easier than dancing," Ernie MacMillian said. "FASHION!" Everyone in the room squealed. "They certainly can't pick on us badgers while we're wearing fantabulous outfits."

"You can borrow my single glove, Ernie. And my 1980s fedora!" Hannah told Ernie. (Hufflepuffs really like Michael Jackson.)

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, team," Tonks interrupted them. "First, what kind of dance do we want to do?"

"I vote we just hug people and be nice and friendly till we win!" Nameless Hufflepuff #1 replied.

"We tried that for the 1984-1985 Quidditch season. It didn't work as well as planned," Tonks replied.

"You should just give up, because Hufflepuff never wins anything anyway," Blaise Zabini suggested.

"What are you even doing here, Blaise? You're not a Hufflepuff," Nameless Hufflepuff #3 replied.

"I dunno, I got bored. There's not even enough Hufflepuffs so you probably need me anyways. There's like 50 people in all the other houses. How many of you are there? Like 7?"

They looked around, distressed. "Usually there's 10. Where's Nameless Hufflepuff #2 and Random Hufflepuffs 1 and 2?" Hannah asked.

"I've got it!" Ernie yelled randomly. "How about a dance about... FASHION?"

"How about Michael Jackson?" called out Susan Bones.

"How about we just stand in straight lines?" suggested Random Hufflepuff #1, who had just stepped out because nature called.

"We'll do all 3! Plus the power of friendship!" Tonks cried. "No way Gryffindor can beat the power of friendship!" They ended the meeting by hugging, making brownies, tripping over the edge of the carpet and inadvertently caving in the common room roof, and trying to convince Blaise that neon-skinny jeans were totally cute on a dude.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

The music was pounding in the heads of the spectators. The dance crews themselves could barely think for adrenaline fueled excitement. The Great Hall was literally shaking with the thud of the base as students stomped their feet for what was sure to be the most... pathetic match of the season. DumBEATdor's Army, which by all accounts couldn't dance without gravely injuring the members, was to take on the HufflePuffDaddies, and everyone knows Hufflepuff was... well... Hufflepuff.

Gryffindor had a different lineup today, much to the surprise of the spectators, because leading the pack was Hermione Granger, a well-known prig. After her came Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley (whose milk shaking had really raised morale), and to replace Dobby, who was still recovering with Harry weeping by his side, came Dean Thomas. Hufflepuff, meanwhile, walked out in all their glitz and glam glory (mostly with the help of a bedazzler they bought over the telephone), with Hannah Abbott, Ernie MacMillian, Nameless Hufflepuff #3, Susan Bones, and Blaise Zambini composing the squad.

"You're going down! But if you go down too hard, don't worry, we brought cupcakes to make your feelings better," Hannah supposedly heckled.

"Well I don't know about their dancing, but their fashion sense, sheesh!" Ernie cried pompously. "I wouldn't BEAR having to moonwalk without my favorite fedora."

"Whatever they say," Dean Thomas whispered in Ginny's ear, "I still think you're cute."

"Dean, did you say something? Do you want to borrow my bedazzler?"

"That's not what I said, but that would be lovely," Dean whispered back like a ghost in the wind.

"Why are you whispering, Dean?" Blaise yelled. "Homeboy too nervous to talk, or do you always hush that way yo?"

Dean was incoherently quiet. "Maybe that's why he has no lines in the book. How do we even know his name, again?"

"Blaise, watch your Puff spirit if you're going to hang with us please! Unicorns!" Tonks called.

Blaise didn't have time to retort, because Lee Jordan announced it was time for the match. Hufflepuff took the "flo'", as they my have called it were they street, and danced as awfully as expected. As nice as they were to make cupcakes for everyone, the judges found themselves barfing up some of them in their mouths at the performance. Ernie was attempting a moonwalk, but not in time with Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean." Hannah, Susan, and Nameless Hufflepuff #3 were standing in a straight line and holding hands. The only person with any sort of talent was Blaise, but his dancing was so provocative, so out of control, and so pelvis-thrusta-moric, the entire student body found themselves either unable to look away or gouging their eyes out at the sight. The performance was so mentally and emotionally scarring to everyone that saw it, the Ministry of Magic had to create a new law banning its reenactment forevermore, and all the youtube videos are henceforth only viewable in Uganda and Vatican City (supposedly for "copyright" reasons to Muggles).

Gryffindor had a hard act to follow in historicity, but as far as quality of dancing went, they appeared amazing compared to their predecessors. Even if they had gone up against another house than the Puffs, they probably would've looked quite decent. Hermy-one and Neville were much more suited towards each other's breaking styles than Neville and Dobby, and amazed everyone with their spins and stunts. Ginny, armed with her now meme-worthy gallon of 2%, only added to the performance with her routine's post-modern, deconstruconalist avant guarde appeal (or so Dumbledore had dubbed it). The rest of the team shoved Ron in a corner so he couldn't do damage to the superiority of the other dancers, and Dean Thomas picked his afro in such a manly fashion whilst dancing, all the ladies swooned.

"The winner is," guest celebrity judge Gilderoy Lockhart announced, "my pants! Teehee."

"'e mea' Gryff'do'," regular judge Hagrid corrected.

All the competitors cheered, even Hufflepuff, who hugged their fellow students for beating them.

"YOU DID IT, HERMY-ONE! YOU LED US TO VICTORY!" Ron cried to his "girlfriend."

"Wait one second..." she cut in. "I... I... think you're wrong. It's coming back to me... I think my name's Hermione. Yeah! And why am I dancing? Dancing is so idiotic!"

Ron began to panic. He grabbed his wand, conjured a 2 by 4, and whacked Hermy in the back of the head with it. She toppled to the ground.

"What was I saying?" she said, seeing stars.

"You were saying how much you loved dancing and winning house points and a fabulous car, yeah that was it IM NOT LYING," Ron replied.

"Sure, whatever. Let's go, ugly boyfriend." He sighed in relief, as he joined with the other Gryffindors who were dying to cart her off to the common room on their shoulders.

"Ginny, wait!" Dean cried, before the redhead could run off after them. "I wanted to ask you, will you be my girlfriend? Your milk dance is... enticing..." he whispered sexily.

Ginny pondered for a moment. She _was_ in love with Harry after all. But Harry was all the way upstairs! SHE JUST COULDN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF SUCH A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.

" SURE" she said. "You like puppies!"

"Okay," Dean replied complacently. They went to the tower to join their house in celebration.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"What got you down, boy?" Pansy asked Draco as they were making out to Slytherin's latest mix tape: "The Sexy Slytherin Sounds of Sexy Yo [feat. Ke$ha]." "You ain't be yo self up in heeah. What you done said earlier about, um, kissing Weasleys... You homo? Cause I accept you that way but I ain't no dude's beard."

Draco sighed heavily. "You know I is yours, Pansy. It's just Gryffin-dorks winnin the last event be affectin my steeze."

"We Slytherins, baby, we gonna win anyway."

"How, girl?"

"I got a plan, yo," Pansy replied, "that'll make them other houses our hos."

The next day, Pansy and the rest of the Inquizitor Squad put their plan into action. It was simple: just troll every single member of the other teams until they were too distraught to perform. Slytheirns were not very creative with evil and tended to use the exact same plans over and over again.

Monday, Luna was walking down the hallway wearing a traffic cone on her head and seventeen fanny packs strapped to her body, all of which contained large amounts of Vasoline and ground beef, hunting for Wackspurts on the way to class.

"Hey Looney!" Crabbe called out. "Looking hott! Extra t for extra pheremones!"

"Are you a hallucination caused by the drugs I took to sharpen my wackspurt detecting senses? Hello! Can you tell me where the wackspurts are?"

"Nope, but... um... I aint sho where I'm goin with this. Whatevah." He threw a match on her fannypacks full of vasoline and her outfit burst into flame.

"Does anyone else smell cooking beef? I think my wackspurt sense is telling me I'm in mortal danger," she mused to herself. The next day, she was in the hospital wing, largely unharmed but with minor burns and a very unpleasant detox.

Cho cried all week due to the news about Luna. "CEDRIC DETOXED HIS COLON ONCE!"

"Did he find any wackspurts in the resulting excrement?" Luna asked, curious.

"NO THEY WERE JUST WORMS," Cho sobbed wildly.

Predictably, Ravenclaw lost the next match to Gryffindor, with two of its ladies incapacitated.

A few weeks later, Slytherin's attack continued. Pansy saw Ginny and Dean in a lonely hallway together, but instead of snogging, Dean was whispering incoherently in her ear and Ginny was coloring in a puppy coloring book. Dean said something about the way she droolled when she was standing in a corner being alluring or something when Pansy interrupted.

"Hey Ginny," she sneered. "I got a secret, wanna hear?"

"HAAARRRHEHEHDhehehehe YES," she giggled.

"Dean Thomas, your boolovins, hates Quidditch."

No response.

"He hates Harry Potter."

Ginny snorted a little, but she think she may have just had a runny nose.

Pansy sighed. "He hates puppies."

Ginny had a seizure.

"Ginny, my LURRRVE!" he screamed, but of course, no one heard him.

Pansy walked away, job done.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

With the core couple of Ginny and Dean in jeopardy, the Slytherins pounced on the other power couple of Gryffindor: Ron and Hermione. They assigned Draco to use any means necessary to break up the happy, semi-amnesiac couple to ensure Slytherin's ultimate victory.

Hermione was irrationally angry after getting an E on her Potions essay on the use of nasal hair in brewing, and was arguing with Professor Snape on the way to the dungeons for class one day, Ron trailing behind, singing a sonnet to her buck teeth. When they finally got to the door of the dungeons ten minutes before class started, she abruptly stopped her rant about how the nasal hair adds potency to muscle building potions.

Standing in front of a horrified Snape, Ron, and Hermione, was skinny, pale Draco wearing only a speedo, holding a scented candle labeled "Sultry Serpent Scent" and playing a slow jam he and the Slytherins had recorded.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF SALAZAR SLYTHERIN ARE YOU DOING, DRACO MALFOY?" his head of house bellowed.

"I-I-Imma defend our dance squad up in the dungeon!" he stammered.

"How the devil is this defending our dance squad?"

"Well clearly," he said, gesturing to his non-existent abs, "I be the illest boi in this schoo', yo, and I was trying to break up Ron and Hermione by getting the mack on!"

"Do I even want to know what that means, you insolent fool! Ten points to Slytherin!" Snape responded.

"That doesn't even make sense, Draco! We've already played all of our matches of the season!" Hermione complained. "Incidentally, does your outfit mean this is one of your private spa rooms? I thought we were going to potions."

The last target on the list was Hufflepuff, to which they took a multifaceted approach. Milly stole and wore all of Ernie's fashionable clothes, stretching them out and popping off the buttons. Goyle kidnapped Nameless Hufflepuff #1 by hiding her under his man boobs in the library and hiding her body behind Hagrid's hut. At a loss of what else to do to the already pathetic team, Crabbe stalked Blaise Zabini down the coridor on the way to class one day.

As Blaise turned, noticing him near instantly (being huge and made of muscle, he was kind of hard to miss), Crabbe took a different approach, and threw eggs at his head.

"What the frig are you doing?" Blaise yelled, face covered in yolk. "I'm in your blasted house, you arse!"

Crabbe kind of looked at him stupidly, said "oh" softly, and walked away.

"Man, I knew I should've been sorted into Hufflepuff," he grumbled. "At least they give me free cookies."

But predictably as ever, Hufflepuff lost their penultimate match against Ravenclaw. Going into the final match of the season, Slytherin was far in the lead after their stomping of Gryffindor and close loss to Ravenclaw, while Gryffindor was just behind in the lead, followed by Ravenclaw and then Hufflepuff. With the championship in view, it seemed nothing could get in the way of the Inquizitor Squad from winning a fabulous car (and some house points).


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Harry Potter descended the stairs to the Great Hall one morning, carrying a recovered Dobby in his arms. "Because of Master Harry Potter's great devotion to poor Dobby, Dobby will love Harry Potter forever and ever! No homo, Master Harry Potter!" Dobby proclaimed happily as Harry carried him.

"Sure, whatever, Dobby," Harry said, distracted. He was looking around the Great Hall for the lucious red hair of his boo, Ginny. Distressingly, he found it next to the flaring afro of one of his roommates, Dean Thomas.

"Ginny, you sexy thing! Let's go eat breakfast together!" he said to her. She was still twitching slightly from her seizure earlier.

"Back off, man. Ginny's mine now," Dean whispered.

"Um I didn't hear what you just said, but I assume you were saying something like, 'wow, Harry Potter is so right. The gorgeous Ginny should eat breakfast with the manly man Harry Potter! Whoo Gryffindor!'" Harry said.

"I... I'm dating Dean. AND I THINK I LOVE HIM," Ginny said in a moment of eloquence.

"You see," Dean whispered, "The pressure of your three stairwell distance relationship was too much pressure for her. And I helped her recover from her puppy related seizure."

"BUT GINNY I LOVE YOU AND YOUR GALLON OF MILK WHAT SHALL I DOOOOOOOOO!" Harry cried dramatically. "ANGST ANGST ANGST MONSTER IN MY ANGSTY CHEST!"

"Dobby will comfort you, Master Harry Potter! Dobby will wipe away all of your tears with Dobby's sock! No homo, Master Harry Potter!" Dobby piped up.

"Harry! Will you stop shouting please? You'll cause all the wrackspurts in this spa to cloud our heads!" Hermione complained.

"Wrackspurts?" Ron said. "What do you mean?"

"Luna Lovegood, I think her name was, told me this was a Wrackspurt Wildlife Reservation," Hermione explained. "Nothing around here makes sense though. Like that weird looking elf thing. Why is he injured in the first place? And why do they have such large, easily opened windows in the tower rooms that someone could easily fall to their death from?" She put down her cup of pumpkin juice to ponder this. "Wait a second..."

"Uh.. Uh.. EXPECTO PATRONUM!" an annoying little yappy dog soared out of the end of Ron's wand. Hermione turned her head to look at the sight and he reached under the table to kick her chair out from under her. She fell onto the stone floor, her recent memory recovery knocked away from her poor brain.

"What was I thinking about?" Hermione said, dazed.

"You were thinking about... HOW YOU WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME RIGHT NOW IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT," he blurted.

"Oi! Sorry, we got that reserved," Dean whispered as Harry fumed.

"I think you just said, 'go right ahead, mate, that sounds hott!'" Ron said. "Comeon Hermy-one! Who needs to go to potions class when we have the POTION OF LOVE."

Hermione gagged a little, but followed him to the Room of Requirement for some snogging.

Dean sighed, and whispered in Ginny's ear about his favorite type of puppy, ensuring her that Pansy was lying and he was really rather fond of weiner dogs. Harry threw himself angstily into a seat at the table, all alone. "Oh Dobby," he said. "I wish I had someone to snog."

"Master Harry Potter, Winky tells me I am very good at snogging, and if you-"

Harry ran away before he could hear the end of Dobby's sentence. He needed to find a way to win Ginny back. Meanwhile, the poor Hufflepuffs needed to find a way to win their HONOR back-and with a final, decisive match approaching, they only had one, strange hope...


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

It was the morning of the biggest match of the year-Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff. This match would decide who would win the entire competition of Hogwarts Thinks It Can Dance. If Slytherin won, they would win the whole contest; if Hufflepuff won by a large enough margin, then Gryffindor had a chance of winning overal. Of course, no one expected this, so they just sat around like emos waiting for the HufflePuffDaddies to stink up the courtyard. However, they all sat that morning in the Great Hall with their fedoras and single gloves and parachute pants like it was the best day of their lives, and the Inquizitor Squad munched on their Egg McMuffins with ecstacy.

Despite all the chatter (and funeral dirges) ringing through the Great Hall, the regular noises were completely drowned out by dog barking. Harry Potter approached the Gryffindor table with at least 8 dogs by his side. "GINNY WEASLEY, MY TRUE LOVE!" he shouted over the barking. "I HAVE BROUGHT YOU A TOLKEN OF MY AFFECTION FOR YOU!"

"!111ONEONE1122338D8XCNIVX9E!" squealed Ginny.

"!" whispered Dean, as a giant brown dog jumped on him and carried him away from Harry's boo.

"How on Earth did you manage to get all of those dogs, Harry?" Hermy asked, astounded.

Harry answered, "I was too cheap to buy them, so I just transfigured people into puppies! The annoying red one used to be Percy Weasley, the poofy, drunk looking one is Professor Trelawney, that big brown one is Seamus Finnegan, the chihuahua is Nameless Hufflepuff #3... oh, watch out Ginny, the big black one is Sirius Black so don't let him sleep with you that would be _awkward_. Don't let him near any curtains, either, he doesn't have a very good record with those."

"I LURRRVEESSS YOU HARRY POTTER!" Ginny squealed, drooling.

Harry wiped the drool from her mouth very romantically and not disgustingly at all, for real. "I lurves you too, Ginny."

"How cute," Draco interrupted them. "You all SLIZZARD on LURRVE, Potter? Cause you about to get straight HAMMERED on DEFEAT! My daddio done hired all the Slytherin homies at the Ministry to make us win once and for all, yo!"

Harry gasped dramatically. "BUT YOU CAN'T WIN! GRYFFINDOR ALWAYS WINS! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!"

"We already have, suckah," Draco replied. "Check it."

People were clearing away their things, getting ready for the match. The Gryffindors rushed out to the courtyard to see if the judges were there, praying that the Slytherin prat was lying.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Much to the horror of the Gryffindors, the blonde ghetto boy WAS right-sitting at the judge's table were none other than Yaxley, Cornelius Fudge, and Bellatrix Lestrange.

"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! DUMBLEDORE THERE'S A DEATH EATER IN THE COURTYARD!" Harry screamed.

"I'm not a death eater, I'm Kelly Clarkson," replied Bellatrix sweetly.

"No, you're definitely Bellatrix Lestrange," said Ron.

"No, I'm definitely Kelly Clarkson."

"Kelly Clarkson isn't even a witch!" Harry complained.

"Oh, give her a break, Harry," Dumbledore said. "She looks sort of like Kelly Clarkson to me, and having a celebrity judge will give us good publicity."

Draco laughed haughtily. "Wazzup, Homie B?"

"NM, favorite nephew," Bellatrix replied.

The Gryffindors groaned collectively, in a totally creepy manner (except Ginny, she just asked "Kelly Clarkson" for her autograph).

"Anyway, as judges," said Yaxley, "we have decided that to spare the poor Hufflepuffs' self-esteems, and spare the eyes of all those watching, by awarding the match to Slytherin automatically, and therefore also the championship."

"Hold up," said Hermy-one. "That's not fair."

"What do you mean, little Mudblood? Of course it's fair. Even super pop star Kelly Clarkson thinks so."

"You're just RACIST! You're racist against me for calling me a Mudblood! You're racist against Hufflepuff because they like the color yellow and you just hate people that like the color yellow! You're racist against House Elves... I think. It's statistically likely that you are," she replied.

"Oh snap, did Hermy just pull the race card?" said Blaise Zabini. "OH. SNAP. Count me in. You're just racist against ME because I'm part African!"

"That's not the race card, Blaise," Ernie corrected. "You have to be Muggle-born to play the race card, and you're pure blood."

"Calm down, calm down," Dumbledore said grandiosely. "We MUST have a dance competition today, or else Slytherin will win. And Gryffindor has to win. That's an immutable rule of the universe we live in. The whole galaxy might implode into a black hole, or Harry might get angsty, or something. So get this show on the road, Lee."

True to the headmaster's word, Lee started the match. Slytherin, of course, went first in a krumptastic crescendo of all of their talents. Their dance moves were more intracite than ever and their execution was absolute perfection. Draco's live rap about dark, emo nights in the dungeons spent thuggin the common room and his growing, livlihood threatening addiction to french fries dipped in McFlurries combined with his powerful committment to executing every ab-bending move perfectly created a nearly unstoppable force of awesome.

Although Hufflepuff was going to be allowed to go on next, everyone was starting to fear a black hole would pop up in the galaxy at Gryffindor's loss (or that Harry would go crazy). "Get soooooooooooooooome FOO'S!" Draco cried at the end of their explosive number.

SUDDENLY-before anyone could break into applause, or breathe, or even blink-a great cracking noise resounded and in a burst of light, a terrifying cloaked figure apparated into the courtyard.

"YOU GET SOME, MINI MALFOY! WHAAAAAAAT!" cried Voldemort loudly.

"VOLDEMORT! NOOOOOOO! SCAR PAAAAAAIN!" screamed Harry.

"YESSSSSS! MY SEXY LOVER LOVEBOMB!" screamed "Kelly Clarkson."

"WTF! OMG! DOES NO ONE READ HOGWARTS, A HISTORY YOU CAN'T APPARATE HERE!" screamed Hermione.

Join us next week for the stunning conclusion to HARRY POTTER AND THE INQUIZITOR SQUAD!


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"So anyway," Voldemort said in his high, icy, sort of girly voice, "I got food poisoning from running off to Mickey D's right after getting my body back. But now I feel straight HEALTHY yo! And FINALLY, like a YEAR after I returned, you're all about to see what the Big V can REALLY do! ShaBAM!"

Cornelius Fudge just sighed deeply from the judges table. "Oh, la," he said, twirling his green bowler, "You're not the only celebrity here, we have Kelly Clarkson. Now take your seat at the judges' table."

"CELEBRITY?" Voldemort squealed. "Who do you think I am? I am LORD VOLDEMORT!"

"Don't be silly," Fudge replied. "You're Chris Daughtry. You even have a bald head and everything. Though I am a bit put out that you're a lot less manly and sexually attractive to me in person."

"ME? THE GREAT LORD VOLDEMORT A MORTAL, AMERICAN ROCK STAR? P-SHA!" He spat. "My bald head is clearly a sign of soul-splitting dar-" He was interrupted from Draco moaning and groaning. "Shut up during my speeches, Mini-Malfoy, or I'll kill your family!"

"M-m-my lord," Draco said queasily. "I be the illest-"

"WRONG, shawty, _I_ be the illest cuz I'm the DARK LORD," Voldemort corrected. "Yo momma gets a crucio, and yo daddy gets a pimp slap."

"Biggie V, I mean literally-" Draco said, "I shouldn't have eaten so much McMuffin before gettin down on the flo' so hard-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort shouted, killing Random Hufflepuff #1. "Every time you talk, a Hufflepuff dies!"

But Draco couldn't talk if he wanted to. Before he could say anything, all the McDonald's he had stuffed himself on came exploding out of his mouth in a stupendous stream of projectile vomit, landing right on Voldemort's face.

Voldemort screamed. "YOU! HOW DARE-" he stopped suddenly, his cheeks suddenly bulging. "Merlin, the food poisoning! It has returned! I WILL BE BACK FOR YOU HOGWARTS, AND YOUR LITTLE SCAR-BOY TOO!" He shouted turning to disappartate. "Screw yourself, Mini-Malfoy!"

"Can Hermy do it instead?" Draco asked.

"I will cut you, nerd," Hermy replied, holding back Ron from attacking with his bare hands and teeth.

"ENOUGH ENOUGH!" Dumbledore said, and the courtyard came to silence. "As sad as we are that Chris Daughtry couldn't stay for the rest of the competition, and that he killed one of our only 10 Hufflepuffs, we really MUST finish this competition! Next up is Hufflepuff, and stop crying and holding hands about Random Hufflepuff #1 dying, okay? Couldn't you all be more brave, like Gryffindor? I really like those guys."

"What shall we do, guys?" Hannah lamented tearfully. "We know we're going to lose, and not even Chris Daughtry likes us!"

"Puffs, one thing about our House is that as long as there are Unicorns, Rainbows, Hugs and Brownies in this world, we will NEVER EVER give up!" Tonks replied bravely. "No matter how many times we trip over our own shoelaces, we will NEVER EVER give up! And no matter how many classmates of ours an American rockstar knocks off, we will NEVER EVER give up! Now let's dance SO HARD that even Kelly Clarkson will HAVE to give us the victory! POWER OF FRIENDSHIP ON THREE! ONE, TWO, THREE!" All the Hufflepuffs hugged on three in renewed energy.

The crowd barely cheered as the opening notes began and the Puffs took the stage. They began off as terribly as ever. Soon the crowd began to boo. "This is impossible," Tonks said. "If only we had Cedric!"

"May he rest in peace," the Puffs began to chorus from the dancefloor, but just as they began to say it, the Earth began to shake. Right in the middle of the floor the ground rumbled and split and a gnarly hand rose out from the ground. Crawling out onto the middle of the dance floor was the slightly decomposed savior of Hufflepuff-Cedric Diggory.

"Sup, guys? I heard you needed me?" Cedric said.

"CEDRIC!" They all began to hug him, but when they smelled his zombie flesh, they backed away.

"Don't worry, guys, I got this," he replied, and with that, the courtyard resounded with the opening notes of the 1980s Michael Jackson song, Thriller. Standing, as rehearsed, in their straight lines and joining with their resurrected friends, they began to dance the most wonderfully synchronized version of Thriller with the most realistic zombies ever (because they were, you know, real).

And Hufflepuff BROUGHT DOWN THE HOUSE. Even Bellatrix was in tears, reminded of that sexy Thriller dance she shared with the Dark Lord at Fenir Greyback's wild house party fifteen years ago when her boobs weren't yet saggy and the Dark Lord's nose was slightly more protruding.

At the end the great hall collapsed into wild cheers. After conferring with the very impressed judges, Lee shouted, "And the winner of the match, by over 200 points, is the HUFFLEPUFFDADDIES!" Everybody cheered. "Which means the winner of the championship and the FABULOUS CAR! and some house points is DumBEATdor's Army!"

The Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs rejoiced. The Slytherins cried. The Ravenclaws kinda did their own thing.

"Cedric, my LOVE!" cried Cho, tears streaming down her face.

"Cho Chang, my darling princess!" cried Cedric, running towards her. As they ran towards each other, he swept her up into the most magical, passionate, cross-species, slightly decaying, beautiful, sort of grossly wet, heart stopping victory kiss.

"Ginny, we're the main characters of this series, we CAN'T LET THEM UPSTAGE US!" Harry cried. Surrounded by their puppies they snogged a victory snog.

"Hermy-one, it looks like everyone's making out let's jump on the bandwagon okay," Ron said.

"Hold up!" Hermione yelled. "Something is fishy here."

"I, uh, _aguamenti_!" shouted Ron, spraying Hermione with water.

She coughed and choked for a second. "What was that?" she yelled.

"It was supposed to be powerful enough to knock you out," he said sheepishly.

Her eyebrows shot up to her forehead in suprise. "I remember it all now!" she exclaimed. "I hate dancing! My name is actually pronounced _Her-MY-knee_! You're my friend for... some reason, I guess I like dense gingers! I go to a witchcraft school, not a door unlocking one or Draco's personal spa! And YOU'RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND! Also, by the way, you could've just used 'obliviate' instead of doing stupid things to try to erase my memory, _Ron_."

"I... uh..."

"RAGE QUIT!" she yelled. "HERMIONE OUT!" The cleverest former beatboy of her age stormed out of the Great Hall towards her dormatory while the rest of the Gryffindors piled into their new car.

In the end, Gryffindor had come out with ultimate victory, thus preventing a spontaneous black hole in the middle of Scotland and Harry getting very angry. The Slytherins decided that Hogwarts was supah-square and that after they graduated, instead of becoming full-time death eaters, they would live their dreams on the big stage-thier corporate sponsor, of course, was McDonald's, who now advertised as being "The Chosen Company" for delaying Voldemort's return to power TWICE. Blaise Zabini decided to become a full-time Hufflepuff because he liked their free food. The Hufflepuffs lived their moment in the sunlight, and looked forward to the day that Cedric's half-zombie kids would come to Hogwarts to make them great once again. The Ravenclaws went on to spend many more a day in their common room watching 'Doctor Who' and chillin with The Flitwick, who decided he liked being shirtless so much that he did it all the time. Luna eventually found a nargle in Mrs. Norris' litterbox. And all of Hogwarts lived Happily Ever After because they knew they could dance!

**the end :D**

**/**

Thanks to everyone who read and enjoyed our story! We hope you had as much fun reading it as we did writing it! Yours Truly, HappyHufflepuff-RebelRavenclaw


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